tennessee jambortion

Tennessee jambortion

jeff banks

- when the fuck is brian gonna get home? i'm ready to get fuckin' drunk. i'm goin crazy here.

i'm a little edgy, but it's been a rough week. that girl stephanie that i had dated a few months ago was back with some news. we had been together about six months before she went batshit crazy.

three days ago, she had met me for lunch at this piece of shit diner she had always liked. sitting across from me in our usual faded and constantly sticky booth, she announced that she was pregnant with our baby.

she looked into my eyes with concern, knowing that something had to be done. i'm just barely able to see her.

-obviously, we're too young and in no way capable of this.

i was sitting there thinking the same thing myself, even though i was already the father of my five year old, wiley, with my ex-wife jo. i stayed quiet, making it easier on me as she realized what, of course, had to be done. after a few minutes of silence, her eyes pleading at me to say something helpful, or even relevant, she proclaimed that an abortion would be scheduled to happen as soon as possible.

nodding my head, i just keep thinking to myself 'thank god'. i know it seemed kind of an asshole move, and believe me, if we had still been together, it might have been a different story. maybe. things being how they were, though, made the decision very simple in my mind.

as we return to the silence that had chaperoned this entire meeting, i look down at what's allegedly suppose to be my country fried steak, and sigh. what a fucking shithole. i probably wouldn't be able to eat any way, she's wearing that fucking perfume. that goddamn fruity perfume.

during one of our break-up rants, i let it slip about how putred i thought she constantly smelled because of that damn perfume. in the mornings, i would swear that the fruit scent has gone bad.

toxic, but we had some alright times and her aroma still brought up some sufficient memories. so, asshole or not, i was still suprisingly saddened by the news of the upcoming disposal. it was going to be my first, and hopefully last abortion. i use to be so naive. that's over.

my wife jo and i got married at sixteen. we were only 17 when he was born, but never even thought of getting rid of him. jo and i had gotten a divorce at nineteen and he had moved from cape girardeau(hometown) to columbia, MO a few months before i left for tennessee, and was still living there with jo while she finished college. i graduated from MTSU in 2000 but somehow found myself being a stupid, selfish dick.....

.. all this flashed through my brain instead of me focusing on what was going on. Stephanie had gotten up and walked out, leaving me there lost in my own head.

as usual, an apology later in the night righted everything. at least enough to get us through what we had to do together.

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plans were made that i was to drive her to nashville this morning for the appointment, but at the last minute she had decided that she would prefer me not to be there. she had already lined up another ride with one of her friends that i didn't really know. from there she was going to be dropped off at her mom's house, who still lived right outside of nashville.

i had already requested off work, so all day i've just been shifting aimlessly around the house. lost in thought, lost in some strange funk. needless to say, i was fucking stressed.

-hit that bottle in the freezer. it's been there forever anyway. sage advice from joey, that little fuck.

-you know i hate that fuckin shit! maybe a little strong, but 'come on.'

sweat on my brow, threatening to flow into my eyes with any sudden movement. dipped into the blow a little early, around nine this morning. Joey gives me one of his judging looks that he could have patented, then goes back to his computer. he's always on that fucking thing.

just then i hear brian's jeep pull up along side the house. he walks in with that shit-eating grin that i've seriously grown to hate. brian, joey and i have been living together for almost a year. when the lease is up, we're most likely going to separate and go our own way. this whole arrangement is just getting stale. and a little clostraphobic.

-where the fuck you been?

-calm the fuck down, muchato. i was just hangin with ann marie....a pause and that goddamn smile...good girl, that ann marie.

those laughing eyes on me. that fucking prick. he knew i'd been trying to get with ann marie. and i already know that he had to have told her about stephanie.

everything is a competition with him. should knock that smile from his fucking face. he's bigger than me with a shitload of rage mixed in, but when i get mad, i could give a fuck. my bigger concern was that i get all my shit from him. finding a new dealer is not something that appeals to me right now. i decide to ignore him completely and get back to what's happening now, which was getting him ready to go.

-clean up fucker, i want to get down to the 'Boro'.

the Boro is this shitty little dive bar a couple of blocks away in the middle of town. it was also the only bar that we went to. we knew everyone that worked and went there, so we were allowed certain privileges. from cutting through the kitchen to cutting huge rails at a booth, it was incredible, almost a power. a healing power that could definitely help me now.

in my room, inhaling a pile of mixed powders.they reminds me of that colored sand art that got so popular a few years back. so many different pills get broken down on this table, you never know exactly what you're getting high on. little mix of everything. my delicious cocktail.

i hear brian turn the shower on in our brady bunch conjoined bathroom. joey has one all to himself on the other side of the house. as usual, about two minutes after he gets in the shower, he starts coughing up everything from inside of him. couple minutes later come the inevitable snot rockets that stick to the sides and floor of the tub. if you're not quite sure what i'm talking about, then you're spared. just one more reason to hate that bastard.

by the time he's dressed and ready, i'm fucking flying. sweating my ass off, but feeling powerful. itching a little, but no big deal. i made sure to cut my nails real short this morning. smart fucking guy.

i try to down the dos equis i've just been holding for the past forty-five minutes but it catches in my throat, and it takes me a few minutes to regain my breath and head to the living room. joey at the front door, brian grabbing a couple of grams before following out. i exit last and watch my 'friends' as we single file towards joey's jeep limited.

joey runs the u-haul here in town and always has bank. i'm sure that's why brian always wants him around. joey's his number one customer. loves the fucking shit. line after line, hour after hour while staring at that computer screen. whatever makes the dude happy, i guess. we all have our different shit.

we ride in silence. windows down, listening to the new 'widespread' bootleg that brian picked up. they're coming to town in a few weeks, and everyone's pretty fucking jazzed.

pull into the boro just as the sun is darkening in the background. once again, i trail behind as brian and joey stride into the bar. the setting sun lowered the temperature to just tolerable, which is a good thing for this town.

enter in to an apocalypse of southern rock,lowered lights,and even lower self-esteem. know fifteen people already. i've got that coke glisten, that rapist's sweat, dripping from every pore.

we sit in our normal "gangster booth" as kala the waitress brings us our usuals. joey is without a doubt always seen with a jack and coke in his hands. he claims that everything else makes him sick. brian gets his opening three cuervo shots that it must take him to get comfortable. a cold coors in front of me and we're ready to go. everything i've ingested, it'd be a waste of money to try to get drunk for a few hours. tonight, i'm a late night alcoholic.

comin' home with me tonight, k?

brian already trying to make plans early. kala has been with all three of us before, so he must not want to try real hard. she tries to act coy, but she'll be over later. they're all about the same in this town. fuckin coke whores.

joey's girl walks in looking great. how he managed that pussy i have no idea. jessica and joey have been toether only a few months, but already seem to be planning a life together. brian and i have had many coke fueled late night talks in which we each describe the disgusting acts we would love to perform on her. she's just seems too perfect, and nothing feels better to an asshole than ruining perfection. however, being the gentlemen that we are, we decided that joey deserves to be happy. we declared her off bounds, and have actually started looking at her like one of the guys.

as usual, we drink our first drinks together and cheers to the night. this time we also cheers to bad times and that they may be better. with that joey and brian bring their glasses to mine. these two assholes are my best friends. how the fuck did that happen?

we down the first round and go our respective ways, but always in earshot should something happen to one of us. not a common thing, but a lot more relaxing knowing you have back-up.

i pick up a game of pool with some bar friends while brian takes some frat guys on darts. joey and jessica are still in the booth, no doubt talking about some future for themselves.

the night goes really smooth. we meet up periodically to kill some lines and down shots( as much as my gak throat will allow). we do the lines right there in the booth. if anyone has a problem, they've never said anything.

almost 1130 and suddenly joey's by my side.

we have to get the fuck out of here right now!

joey's already shit faced but jessica's by his side also trying to convince me, so i know it's not about them. i'm flying so high that i just smile and keep saying "totally", though not taking a step towards an exit. "totally confused" was probably my complete sentence. brian is nowhere in sight, so he must be in some sort of trouble. jessica takes hold of my arms and tries to guide me out. i rip myself out of her grip, convinced i've got to save brian.

i've gotta find brian. what the fuck's goin on!? what's wrong with brian!?

joey tries to grab at me but i'm spinning and running to the other side of the bar to find brian. i stop dead in my tracks.

stephanie and four other guys are standing in the corner, having a killer laugh, obviously fucked up and loving it. all i can do is stand there with my mouth open while my brain tries to process this. my brain seems to be working just one step slower than the drugs. this can't be happening. i turn around to see brian there, out of his fucking gourde, staring red eyed at the drunken quintet. he seemed to have the voice that i was lacking.

WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU HERE?! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING HERE!!!?

my mind was fucking racing. why was she here? what about the abortion? she said she would be staying with her mom. WHAT THE FUCK IS SHE DOING HERE?

i stare directly into her eyes and cant tell what i see. she knew i would be here, is she trying to make a fucking fool out of me? goddamn, i need a fucking smoke.

out the side door, once more in the humid night. what's the plan, i tell myself, as the spinning in my head subsides.

brian joins me with two jim beams and plan.

WE WALK IN STRONG, BRO. JOEY AND I TAKE THE FAGS WHILE YOU GRAB THAT BITCH AND GET YOU'RE ANSWERS.

seems like a solid plan. the only problem is that i've got a case of the shakes that would have erkel coming up to challenge me. it's all in the mind, i guess.

walk by the bouncer with a mixed grin and already hear brian starting to rave. pick up the pace though i'm in no hurry. everything is a dream now.

gazing to my left, i see brian pinning the one guy with dreads to the pinball machine while his friend is wailing on b's left ear. joey and jessica are trying to reason with the other two guys who look like they're about to jump in and help their friends.

no bouncers, no bartenders. they know the score. i slowly fumble my way toward the spot where steph is crouched. she's between a pool table and the wall, knowing what's coming. guess she doesn't know me.

the boro staff finally kicks in and escorts the guys outside, promising them that stephanie and i are just going to talk. in truth, no one knows what i'm going to do, especially not me.

they let us go through the kitchen into a little back room that would offer the most privacy, even though a few people were still mulling around, probably as curious as i was to see what was going to go down. i knew i only had a limited time to get the truth out of her before one of her friends showed up and convinced her to keep her mouth shut. she has this terrified look in her eyes that is actually only making me angrier. how dare you look scared, you made this happen!

JEFF.... I....IT'S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE.

my eyes averted, my voice a hoarse whisper: AND WHAT DOES IT LOOK LIKE?

I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING...slightly sobbing...BUT YOU'VE GOT TO LISTEN TO ME. BELIEVE ME! PLEASE!

i've always been great at running away in situations like these. never a good idea, but this time it would of given me time to think. instead,mistakingly, through tear-filled bloodshot eyes, i decided now was the time to take a stand.

i open my mouth to call her out, but i realize she hadnt stopped babbling out her excuses. i try to make a conscious effort to hear her.

....so when i got there everything was set to go,um, like i was saying. the weather outside had gotten pretty bad, i mean,uh, you saw the storms this morning, right?

i was tweaking so hard this morning a tornado could of come through and i wouldnt have noticed. as long as it didnt touch my supply, that is. lost in my own thought, i assume i must have been unconsiously nodding my head. whatever i was doing, it convinced her to continue.

well, anyway, the storm was pretty bad, as you know. so eric and i...

eric?who the fuck is eric? that fucking dreaded fag? maybe brian should teach him a lesson after all.

eric?

she either was wrapped up in her story or decided to ignore me. tough enough to get through this pre-fab'd story, but now there's an eric. certain she was just ignoring the question, i gave her a kill-all stare that actually seemed to get through to her. she was really scared. if i didnt feel like bringing the wrath down, i might have felt some pity. she was always such a tough chick. how the fuckin mighty have fallen.

so, there we were in the waiting room, when all of the sudden,um,the lights went out on the floor. the emergency lights came on, uh, but they ended up canceling all the procedures for the day. they're gonna call me tomorow with a...a..schedule.

by procedures i'm assuming the entire floor was in the business of angel-making. it seems unreal that a hospital would have power failure, let alone not be able to operate with some capability. needless to say, i didnt believe any of these fucking lies. after all this was the girl that tells everyone that she is john gotti's niece. dumb-ass bitch.

i didnt know my fist was even clenched until i hit her in the face. i've done so much bad shit with never a regret, but that was one thing i wish i could take back. she got a dazed look on her face that actually scared me. everything stopped at that moment. everyone who had been watching had majically vanished. it was just me and a bleeding, sobbing girl that i had once really cared for. i could hear nothing but the music playing from the kitchen in the back of the house. i still remember that song to this day, although i've never figured out what song it was. i remember this one verse......

every gesture you make

starts an earthquake inside me

i'd walk away if i could

but my legs would betray me

....stephanie is sunken to the floor by the empty kegs, crying.

right before we got a divorce, me and jo were having one of our rare, but devastating fights. right in the middle of our coup, i realized my hand was in a fist. not only that, but it was raised. we both stopped yelling and looked at my ready fist. everything was quiet for a minute. the longest moment of my life. i had never hit a girl, and for it to be my wife was too much of a stereotype. after staring at at my hand with my mouth agape, i turned and walked out the door. i never wanted it to get that close again. so of course, this current situation caused quite a stir inside me. deja vu with a twisted ending.

i unclenched my fist and was about to start blathering apologies, when i heard the sirens just outside. even feeling like we were part owners of this place did not dislodge the feeling that serious trouble was happening.

i left steph there, crumpled on the ground, and went to the main bar to find brian and joey and get the fuck out of dodge. who had called the cops? would they sympathize? better not to find out. head out the side door again to a barrage of lights and sound. brian was getting put into the car in cuffs, face covered in blood. i saw dreads(eric?) on the ground getting helped by some cops. his pulp of a face told me everything i needed to know. hate him or not, brian is loyal as fuck.

i sneak away with joey and jessica back to the house. after a long talk, joey agrees to put up the money for brian, with the understanding that he will be compensated, of course. i stay at the house while they go get him. about 4 in the morning they get back with a deshevled, and scarily sober brian. he walks in a gives me a hug with a wink and utters only one word...

brothers.

we grab some beers, some more lines, and decide to watch the upcoming sunrise. joey's feeling tired, says he's going to bed, which means at least one more hour on the puter.

two hours later i'm feeling the inevitable coke shits and excuse myself to the boys room. took a little longer in there than i expected(finished the entire US Weekly). when i walked out it was strangely silent. hoping the party wasnt over, i bounded into the living room. jessica was riding brian, skirt up by her waist, oblivious to the fact that i was standing there watching. he saw me, though, and gave me that fucking smile.

feeling dizziness and an unreality, i quietly called it a night.

friends.

turns out stephanie was telling the truth