the end of the beginning

the end of the beginning

cape girardeau, 1999

pounding on the door, frantic. should be curious, but i know exactly who this is, and exactly what it's about. that pounding, filling the room. head throbbing with each rap. the door and i merging into one.

"jeff, open the door!"

time stops, breath stops. the beat that my heart skipped.

door knob frantically rattling back and forth, door itself quaking in its frame.

"open the fucking door!" shit.

glancing around, quick inventory. the apartment reeks of guilt and mangled sex. the room itself is utterly destroyed. how much do i really remember about the last few hours? the couch cushions on the floor try to remind me.

uproot your fucking legs! this little mantra is getting very old.

on numb legs and knocking knees, i wobble to the door. watching my hand go for the knob seems so surreal. a strangers hand, doing what i myself seem unable to do.

'am i ready for this?' is all i can whisper as i turn the handle with sweaty palms.

i open the door with absolutely no surprise and stare into the dead eyes of my best friend and neighbor, Ryan. i cant talk. luckily, he knows what he has to say.

"Jaime's gone, we have to go find her."

the darkness in those eyes burn right through me. how much does he know? what do i really know?

by the look in his eyes, i can tell that he thinks he knows everything, but is clinging on to doubt. or just hoping he's mistaken

i can physically feel that a drift has shifted and realize that i'm on a different plane. this is the end of something and the beginning of something else entirely.

"grab your fuckin' jacket, we gotta go." stuck.

nothing to do but grab my coat and follow the slightly slumped over body of my friend as he ascends the five steps that would lead us to my back yard. walk out into one of the stalest nights ive known. no sounds, no wind, only the same screaming birds and squirrels.

ryan's house is two down from mine, so we make our way over there to get to his car. the beat up pussy wagon bmw parked omnilously between our houses.

--at this point, the author would love to wax-nostalgic about all the good times were had in this particular vehicle, but realizes that the time for reminiscing is over. long over.--

curiosity keeps my brain questioning- how is this going to end? all i know for sure is that nothing is going to be the same ever again.

we get into the car and start to drive. where we are going, i have no idea. all i can focus on are those hands gripping the wheel. clasped so tight, the knuckles as bright white as beacons, but where are we being guided?

we sit in silence for about fifteen minutes. the only movement inside the car is ryan's chain-smoking. wasn't he trying to quit? finally he turns his head and looks at me.

"so.....what happened?"

how long have i not been breathing?

his voice is almost pleading, and for just a second, my guilt gets replaced by pity. poor son of a bitch. by his eyes, i can tell that he is searching desparately. he knows something, but needs me to fill in the blanks and tell him exactly what happened. i still dont even remember the exact facts, do i? can i possibly get out of this? shame and regret slap me in the face simultaneously. he's been staring at me for so long, i'm afraid we're going to crash. i open my mouth to say something, anything, but i guess i waited to long and its gone back to him.

in a voice straining to remain calm, he once more looks at me.

"i need to know what happened, and i need you to tell me.....now."

dear jesus, those knuckles. as spiked as snow peaks. absorbing all of my attention. i know the time has come for me to fill in the gaps, but how far am i willing to go?

ryan and i have had issues concerning his fiancee jaime over the last few years. namely the fact that jaime and i had almost hooked up a few times before they met each other, and that fact gives him 'residuals'. every once in a while when she's really drunk, she likes to openly ponder what would of happened if we had gone all the way back then. basically causing nothing but trouble. dirty bitch.

so we had a history of problems with her, so this was really nothing new. but the scope of what was happening was beyond anything we've ever wanted to deal with. totally stuck.

lost in my head. his turn again.

" i walked in and knew something was wrong right away. jaime was huddled on the floor crying fucking hysterically, so my first thought was that someone must have died. she was obviously fucked up, and when i tried to get close, to comfort whatever the fuck was going on, she screamed and jumped up......"

uncomfortable pause

"....then i saw her eyes. we've been through every shitty thing a couple has ever gone through, but i have never seen this look before. she was standing there unable to meet my eyes and that's when i noticed that her pants were undone and her shirt had somehow gotten ripped. when i reached for her she bolted out the fuckin door and took off in her car. please give me an answer. do you know what happened? do you have anything to do with this?"

he pulls the car over. the time has come.

i'm trying not to face him, so i glance out the window and see a stranger looking back at me in the side mirror. i'm slowly losing me. i just kept feeling the waves of radiating change.

inside my head i was putting together the confession that was due. an idiotic pulse kept running through me, saying that if i handled this just right, it might all somehow work out. while my brain was working overtime for a story that we could both believe, my mouth decided to go ahead with the task.

still looking at the window, suspended, staring at the strangers eyes .

"it just happened."

did i just say that out loud?

scarlet flashed onto his face, so i knew that he heard me.

"it just happened?! what just happened? what did you do?

during this questioning, his voice just keeps growing weaker and shakier.

" did you.....(recognition in those eyes now)...did you...fuck her?

hearing that hurt in his voice took me back to the previous summer. we had carried on a very similar conversation back then. a conversation that ended in me promising him that nothing would ever happen between me and jaime, and that his friendship was the most important thing to me.

i am such a prick.

we drive by her house, drive by her parents house; no car. all this done in silence. i try to roll down my window, but he must have the child-locks on. surely that's just a coincidence.

the car starts slowing down in the middle of the street. i look back out my window for comfort, but even the reflexion looks scared.

he lets go of the wheel and the car starts veering to the left side of the road. is he possibly looking for a place to stop? or has he just given up? still facing the wrong way, but its a good start. he pops the car into park, then turns towards me one more time. i'm just staring at myself in that mirror like and idiot, just waiting, and wanting him to say more......to please put this all together for himself.

to my absolute horror, i see the lips in the mirror moving. worse than that, it's talking in my voice. who is this bastard? this cold blooded stranger trying to take my place? not to mention, what the fuck had he just said?

turn to ryan, hoping to judge by his look what kind of nonsense i had just spewed. the burning insanity i saw when i swivel to the left stops me cold.

"WHATEVER!? did you just fucking say whatever to me!!??"

oh shit.

that was when i got hit. dont feel the punch much, but sure as hell feel my head banging off the window. blackness, enough light to see a couple more punches sneak in. dizziness takes over. i'd never really been in a fight yet and was very unuse to any sort of beating, so this feeling was something altogether new.

coming back to reality, i hear the door wrench open and can only watch as im pulled out and thrown to the ground. here is my best friend, my other, kicking the shit out of me. looks like he's screaming, but i cant hear anything he's saying. a boot to the ear has left me with only a high pitched, dull buzz. eyes roll in their sockets to the left and i see that we are by the domino's that jaime works at. those lights so close. knowing that at least one friend of mine is inside that could stop this, but im going nowhere. no cavalry riding in today. then.......nothing.

come to a few seconds later, see a pair of feet running off, but understand nothing about what's going on. no shouts, no voices whatsoever. i try to prop myself up on my elbows, not successfully. look down and see that my right arm is bruised and twisted in an impossible direction. testing my left arm and trying to blink out the blood pouring from my face, i barely make out jaime's car in the shadows behind the store.

now i can hear yelling, coming from those same shadows. using the car for balance, i get to my feet. pain hasn't hit yet. still in the middle of some numbing shock, so i decide to take advantage.

start staggering towards the shadows behind the store. look down to see my right ankle dragging behind me. if it wasn't for all the blood, people might think that i was one of those tragic teenage stroke victims, freshly rehab'd. they have those, right? out on the town in the middle of the night. what time is it, anyway?

as i get closer to where jaime's car is parked, i see the lump of a body on the hood of the car. i also see the hunched over, heaving shadow near the front of the car that must be ryan. poor fuck, losing his dinner like that.

i come up behind ryan and squat down next to him. try to anyway. my ankle being fucked, i lose ground and fall on my ass right in front of the car. this has to just be a dream, right? at least i have that figured out.

his lifts his face to look at me, my fall putting us only a couple of feet apart. glazed, watery eyes, chunks of bile covering his chin and the front of his shirt. all the rage had left him. had he just tired himself of it, or was it something else? on wounded knees, i rose and looked down on the shiftless pile on the hood. jaime.

what had she taken? i was thinking about trying to move her, then i notice what must have made ryan so sick. i have to fight myself not to turn and do the same thing. that, or scream. no feelings at all now, no thoughts. actually, one thought. jesus fucking christ.

------------------------------------------

at the hospital, they separated us all, insisting i get looked at as well while ryan hangs back with the paperwork; and possible details. so much blood on my shirt, don't know if its mine or hers. probably both.

my right arm was broken in two places, but my ankle was only sprained. i had to get thirteen stitches on my scalp for a wound that had gone unnoticed. slight concussion. all in all, not too bad for how i felt.

the doctor tried a couple of times to ask me some questions, but i feigned too weak.

this is actually the first time i have ever talked about this. some sort of journal therapy.

i walked out to the waiting room but there was no sign of ryan. he must be with her. i was thinking about checking up on her, but that's his job. as i was waiting there at the checkout desk, jaime's mom came in, rushing by me without a glance. ryan must have called her.

i'm wearing a paper hospital shirt since mine ended up being covered in what did turn out to be both of our blood. i walk out the sliding doors and light up a smoke. thank god.

get home, pop a couple xanax and a perc. nothing seems real anymore. looking around my apartment. it only took a couple of hours to change my whole life. no use picking up tonight, and fuck those doctors, i need some sleep.

turn out every light, pitch black,deadly quiet. lying there, with every urge fighting to subdue it, the images start flashing through my mind:

-my reflexion in that damn mirror-so different from the one i'm used to.

-ryan huddled over himself, unable to fight me any more, and unable to fight the tears pouring down his face.

-my friend kelty and the other employees of domino's all gathered around me as someone inside calls the cops.

-and jaime. i'll never forget that sight.

---------------------------------------------------

i look down on a friend that i don't recognize. this poor creature before me sprawled awkwardly across the hood. it looks a bit like a hit and run, but her car had been sitting idle for some time.

"jaime..."

i shake her slightly and she's completely limp. she had used something to completely slice up her arms, face, neck and chest in brutal gashes. hardly an inch of unmarred skin. jesus christ, she had been so fucking beautiful. my eyes fill with water, and through my swimming view, i watch the ground approach very quickly. i passed out even before i hit.

i wake up in the ambulance on a gurney next to jaime. all those bandages. nothing holding me back now, the tears come. mercifully they come, blocking out everything else.

-----------------------------------------------------------

i need to get some sleep. i've been lying here for hours. the shittiest thing about this is that i love that girl. i always have.

did i neglect to mention that?

i guess she had told the doctors about wanting to punish herself. she had used her keys to try and saw herself open. when that didn't work, she got busy with the pin from her name tag. explains why the cuts were so bad. the amount of time it must have taken for each gash is staggering.

i turn the lights back on. nothing for me here anymore. no best friend, nothing real.

my landlords upstairs were gone for the weekend, so i break in. steal as much as i can, load up the car and head to tennessee. plan on never looking back. on to the next nightmare.

it would have been nice to tell her that i did love her.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------